我不愿放弃却要故意默默允许-郑中基

It feels like more than just a few days since I last blogged. Now I don't know if I should back date. Back dating is such a tiring thing to do and I would really love to just spend my time to read.

Amidst of all the things that happening around me, I feel emotionally locked. There are so many things happening around me and even though I tried to move on with them, it is often at quiet night like this with all the emotional songs playing along that make me realised I am still stuck here.
It is like...I have never move on.

Relationship wise, I feel very disturbed. The world can tell me all the wrong that I did and am doing, but my heart...Can you understand?
Emotions are something private and selfish. It refused another soul to understand nor actually feel it. You can feel sad for a person's pain but really, you won't understand it cos' you are not the one going through.

I go through my memories. It is always the same issue I face eventually with Jason. No matter how many good times there are, that issue never goes away. Sometimes I wish to be more cruel. I really wish that he would just leave me alone for good.
I rather face the loneliness of without a partner than the guilt and the lose of right to find someone else I might really like. I do not fancy the day that I would just leave him for good only when I have really find that someone.

I would like to acknowledge the fact that it is not that I have never dare to face this issue with Jason. I did, too many times. The same issue was never solved cos' neither Jason nor I were firm to let this go.
I relented cos I just feel equally pain to hurt him like that and who can sure that I am not making the biggest mistake of my life to end this relationship...just like that?

In a way, I know he is trying to protect me. I know for sure that if I wanna leave, he would let me go cos' he loves me. (My throat feels a thick lump coming to here...Sigh.) I would like to blame him. I wanted to think that he is just selfish. He just wanna bet his luck against time. Should he win, we would still be together. Should he not, he would painfully bear the final preparation he had at the bottom of his heart.

I know it would be a stupid decision to leave Jason. Trust me,friends. Whatever scenario you have tried to analyse for me, I have went through all of them in my head. I am really not as emotionally dumb as what love makes a fool out of a person.
I would not wanna risk my 5 years plus worth of relationship for anything else as well. Jason is a good man and if I am lucky, I would be married to him in years to come.
I know he would be someone I can count on, depend on and makes me happy.

But what is missing?

It is not that I don't love Jason. I do. But is it a love that I have been seeking for?
"Oh, don't be stupid. How long can passion burns? Everything fades with time and it is most important that you settle for a right man who loves you and you can live with."
You think I do not know that? But my heart refuses to settle for that.

I can honestly tell you I never forget Ronald.
I thought I did but I didn't. I can still remember the way he looks. Maybe my memories of his exact appearance fades with time but I can still remember the outline.
My heart would still skip a beat or two when I imagined seeing him suddenly.
Very importantly I remember the way I feel about Ronald. I guess it is that feeling I remember more clearly than anything.

I do not know how to explain that he* is not a substitute. I really do not think he is despite the very initial impression. We are good friends, we are not. Whatever we are, my friends tell me it is the every step I am making is wrong (and though I know it) and I cannot control.
But I know I would be brought to face up all the things I did eventually and much as I dread, I already picture that scenario a thousand over times.

You tell me that I am wrong. I know I am. But would you be able to do better if you really are me? Would you really? If you are not you but me, would you do better?
Maybe you will but would you then understand the emotion turmoil that quakes my heart over and over again?
I cried so many times for this that I find myself not crying over it anymore but still my heart is bleeding. If there's any wound, it would have rot by now.

But I know. A mistake is a mistake no matter how much I tried to justify it. I am feeling all the rotten impacts of it right now that at this very moment, I really cant breathe. My heart seems to keep contracting, like it is trying to squeeze itself dry.

-Sigh...Breathe,breathe.-

Romance?Love? How long can that last? Can they be stable and bring me the happiness I want from my heart? Putting them against all the unfavourable realist factors in life, do they stand a chance for my future?
And where do I get them from? Am I even sure that the one I thought I am seeing is right? What if I am just being stupid,thinking too much of everything?
Lastly would I even get them in the first place when the ugly truth sets in? I dare not imagine.

And then what about now? What about now? What about now?

You know I feel so fucking shite right now that I really wanna bolt outta this place and cry myself till I can't remember who I am.

The bad news is my tear ducts didnt wanna make it easy for me.
The bad-dier news is my heart is taking the place to cry and making every single part of my body so painful.
The bad-dest news is I still have to pretend everything is ok when the day comes and go on with my daily life.